Last Week

So here we are, the last week at Covecrest, my last week as a Life Teen missionary. I can't believe its already here! It's strange how it seems like just yesterday we arrived and at the same time like I've been living this life my whole life. I have learned so much this year, about myself, about the Lord, about other people, about how to love. So thank you to all the people who have made this year possible for me- my benefactors, prayer partners, family, and friends who have supported me and joined me in this mission. I couldn't have done it without you!

In a few short days I leave this place, with my heart heavy but ready for what the Lord is calling me to next. I am excited to see what He is going to do in this next stage of my life, and He's already begun putting the pieces together. I'm going to continue to pursue the vision He has put on my heart for a childcare center that serves families living at poverty levels here in Atlanta, and I feel secure in the fact that its His vision, His banner, and that He will accomplish it. As that takes shape, I will be living with and working for a wonderful family in the Atlanta area, helping with the kids as the mom fights cancer. I met with them yesterday, and the Lord has given me great peace in knowing that I am meant to be with them. One of the blessings that I am taking with me from Covecrest is a missionary heart, which means that my life is a life of love and service for the Lord, not a segmented existence of job, home, social life, religion. So I will leave this place and continue to live the life of a missionary, a life of prayer and service, of hope and faith, wherever He leads me. The pieces are falling into place, or at least I see more of the pieces, even if I don't know how they'll fit together yet.

Stay Tuned . . .

Prayer Staff

This summer my "job" consists in large part of heading up our prayer staff, a group of 6 summer staffers who aren't assigned to a particular parish that week. Instead, they make holy hours and offer up prayers for the campers. They bless the rooms and buildings before each week starts, and are also part of prayer teams that meet throughout the week, offering prayer or counsel for any teen/adult in need.

There has been amazing fruit that has come from having a set of people solely devoted to prayer. What I have noticed most has been the changes that occur in the prayer staff themselves. I have loved watching their enthusiasm, the way they throw themselves into it with everything they have. Each week, I encourage the summer staffers to take ownership of prayer staff, adding to it whatever they'd like. And I have been blown away. Each week they have added something different, unique to the group of people on the staff. One week they fasted from dessert and prayed a rosary together. Another week they made sure to pray their little crown for the camp coordinator together. Its been beautiful to watch these men and women grow in their faith as they spend time ministering and being ministered to. I am so blessed!!!!

Covecrest vs the Real World

So as we begin summer here at Covecrest, I've been getting a lot of questions from people about what I'm going to do next, how I'm going to survive in the "real world", what I'm going to do when I grow up (with the implication that that should happen now). I've had friends express worry that I'm not capable of dealing with "real life" when I'm not here. And my answer to them has been that this is real life. The life I have been living for the past nine months has been more real in many ways than the life I lived for 23 years. And I have been confronting things, dealing with my own brokenness, learning how to interact with others, live in community, and live the Gospel. And its hard. Its difficult; it tries my patience; it frustrates me; it hurts. But it is also amazingly free, and joyful, hopeful, and beautiful. And I'm not going back. Whether I'm technically a missionary or not, I'm going to live the missionary lifestyle for the rest of my life. I want more than the world offers.

And so, here's what I'm going to do when I leave Covecrest: I'm going to live a prudent life, a supernaturally prudent life. I'm going to seek the kingdom of God, and believe me, no wait- believe Jesus, He's the one who said it-, everything else will fall into place. That's not to say my life will always be easy, that's not to say that I won't have difficulties or problems. I'm not looking at the world through rose colored glasses, but I am looking at it through the promise of the Gospel. And I am going to follow what He's calling me to do, whether I understand it or not, whether it makes sense or not. I don't know for sure where my path will lead me, but I know that God does, and so as long as I follow Him, its all going to be okay.

I'm not naive, and I'm not overlooking the very real concerns of life- rent, insurance, bills, etc., etc. But, my God is a BIG God. He is mighty and capable, and loves me. And I'm going to focus on Him. He knows what I need, what my heart desires, even more than I do sometimes, most times even. What else do I need to know? Who else am I going to trust?

The Life Teen Staff Retreat

The Life Teen staff gathered this week at Covecrest for a retreat. Everyone from the Mesa office, the Atlanta office, and all our area contacts arrived to spend two days praying and spending time together. Dr. Allen Hunt, an Emory graduate by the way, came to lead the retreat. Dr. Hunt is a former Methodist minister who entered the Catholic Church a little over a year ago, and is an amazing speaker, teacher, and witness. His website is www.allenhuntshow.com.

We ended the retreat with this prayer from Archbishop Oscar Romero, a powerful reminder of our role in ministry, one that is full of freedom and hope.

It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.

The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.

I love my life!

Last night we celebrated Thomas' birthday here at camp. To close out the night, Thomas requested adoration with praise and worship. As we all knelt around the Blessed Sacrament singing praised to the Lord, I looked around at my brothers and sisters and realized how amazingly blessed I am. How many people in this world can take out Jesus whenever they need to see him? I take it for granted sometimes that I can go into the chapel and expose the Blessed Sacrament whenever I like.

Yesterday evening after evening prayer, I stayed behind in the chapel to have some quiet prayer time. Because I've been sick, its been awhile since I've done a Holy Hour in the chapel, and I had so missed seeing the face of my Lord. So after a few minutes of praying before the tabernacle, I went and got the key so I could see Him face to face.

The blessing of adoration is one that I hope I never take for granted again. It makes me so sad when I think of all of the people in this world who don't have the opportunity to adore Christ, even though they may desire it. There are so few perpetual adoration chapels around, and many parishes only offer adoration monthly, or weekly if you're lucky. Eucharistic adoration has been a part of the Catholic Church's tradition for centuries, and is a practice that all Catholics should be exposed to. The Eucharist is one the greatest blessings God has given us, and adoration is one of my favorite things about being Catholic because during it, I get to gaze on my Beloved and my Beloved gets to gaze on me.

I'm really going to miss the blessing of adoration anytime when I leave here. I only hope that there's always a parish nearby me where I can spend time face-to-face with Christ.

P.S.
Here's a website that has a history of Eucharistic Adoration
http://www.therealpresence.org/eucharst/pea/history.htm

This is what God asks

Last week during evening prayer I was struck by one of the antiphons, which made me realize just how much more complicated I make my life than I need to.

"This is what God asks of you: Trust in the One whom He has sent."

I read it, and was like "duh, of course that's what God asks." But then I thought about it a little bit, and it was as though something clicked in my head and heart. It's actually that simple. I just have to trust.

Of course, this implies that I know the One whom God has sent, which means I need to be praying and listening to what God is asking of me. And that is where the trick lies . . .

In the World Not of the World

This past weekend I traveled to West Palm Beach, Florida for the wedding of my dear friend, Elaine. While I was more than excited to see her- it had been months and months-, I was also a little nervous, because it had also been months and months since I had been in the world by myself. It was a little bit of a rocky start; I realized when it was time to go out with the girls, that I hadn't brought "going out clothes". It had been a long time since I'd "gone out"and I wasn't used to it.

Thankfully, going back into the world is a bit like riding a bike. Once I was in it, I remembered how to be. And boy, was it nice to get my nails done (all in the duty of being a bridesmaid of course) and dress in grown-up clothes all weekend- I felt like a lady. But, I also remembered how to be me, and I didn't let the world take over my identity. Over the course of the weekend, I had so much fun. I spent time with old and new friends, remembered how much I love dancing, and so much else. Of course I missed Covecrest, how could I not? But I realized that I am not dependent on this community or being up in the mountains to maintain my identity in Christ. I still prayed, and it was because my heart wanted to, cried out for it, not simply because of the routine. In fact, in some ways, I prayed more when I was gone than when I'm here (I know, I know, it sounds impossible).

This life, this year, has prepared me to go back into the world and be in it, not of it. I'm not done learning yet, and I'm sure there will always be struggles, but I'm on the right track, and I'm grateful for what I've been given.

Holy Thursday

"It was into the wildest part Jesus went to pray"

Last week, we took our day off as a desert day, which is when we spend the day in silence, meditation, and prayer. I chose to spend the afternoon in the small garden next to Mike's Place, one of my favorite spots here at Covecrest. Hidden by tall bushes and vines entwined around the fence, the garden is simple and beautiful. It's wild, not perfectly kept, but a perfect spot for reflection. As I sat in the garden, I wondered if Gethsemane was a place such as this, wondered if Jesus spent the Passover night in a garden like ours.

Tonight after Holy Thursday mass, we processed with the Blessed Sacrament from the ampitheater, and I assumed we were headed for the chapel (this is the first Holy Week in years that I have not been very very involved in the planning and execution of Holy Week Services, and I have been glorying in that). Instead, we entered the garden. And as I kneeled on the stone, gazing upon the tabernacle through the branches of a bush, looking at Jesus sitting in the spot where I had sat a week before, I felt that God was answering my prayer in a way. Maybe Gethsemane did look like our garden physically, maybe not, but in any case, it was a place such as ours- a place of prayer, a place to wait and watch with the Lord, a place where the Lord is praying for you.

Chapter of Faults

This past week we here at Covecrest had a community meeting where we all (families, missionaries, and staff alike) sat down to talk about our community, where we are and where we've been failing. As a family, we did an activity called the "chapter of faults." Beginning with the oldest member of the community and ending with the youngest, each person shared and asked forgiveness for the ways in which they've failed the community, beginning with the sentence "I have sinned against God and the community. Trusting in God's mercy and forgiveness I ask for your forgiveness for . . . " There were no reactions, no judgements, no condemnations, just a simple admission of what you've done wrong. The idea behind this was that we could all admit our wrongs and failings, and commit, as a whole community, to work harder, to live more fully into the Rule.

One of the difficulties living here is that we get complimented a lot on the lifestyle we've chosen. It can be easy to fall into the trap of complacency, to stop striving to do better, to pray more, be more hospitable, to love deeper and better. This lent, I'm working on this, as is the community in general. Its something we've talked a lot about, and the chapter of faults was a step in that direction for us.

Okay, this admittedly might sound strange. Public confessions are not exactly normal these days. Its difficult to admit wrong-doing and ask for forgiveness, to a single person, much less 25, but it was a weight off of my shoulders to apologize to these people that I love. And as daunting as the task of examining the areas where I've slacked off or failed outright was, it was a good thing for me to do. Its much easier to look at the faults of others than to look seriously into our own, at least I know it is for me.

I think that the chapter of faults was a positive experience, as awkward as it was when we started. I feel closer to the rest of this community, like we're all on the same page again. There aren't any walls up between us and I love them more now than I did before (which was a lot). In the same way, I know that they love me too even more deeply than I knew it before.

Relationship

Catholicism, all of Christianity for that matter, is about a relationship with a person, The Person- Christ. This truth is something that I've noticed has been missed in many people's experience in the Church. So I'd like to share a little bit about what my relationship with Jesus is and what it has meant to me.

There's a difference between knowing about someone and knowing someone. For example, I can read biographies on George Washington and know a great deal about him, but because he lived hundreds of years ago, I can never know him. I can't have a conversation with him, know what is happening in his heart, know what's on his mind. In the same way, there's a difference between knowing about God and knowing God.The difference between the two situations is that even though Jesus lived thousands of years ago, we can still know Him. I can read the Catechism of the Church, the Bible, and any number of books filled with information about God, His laws, His teachings. But if I never let it into my heart; if I never actually approach Him as a person, then I will only ever know about Him.

One of the things Jesus has been telling me lately in prayer is that I am Beloved, that I am loved intimately and personally by Him, in a way that no one else is, not loved more or less, just in a unique way because I am unique. He's been saying this to me through the Scripture that I've been reading (when you read a passage in the Bible that speaks to your heart, remember that its Him speaking to you, not just to the collective people of the Church), through the prayers of others, through the sunsets and nice days. He shows me He loves me in so many little ways, and it blows my mind to see how many times He says "I love you" when I'm open to hearing it.

The reason that I go to mass each week, the reason why I go to adoration and prayer groups, is to spend time with someone I love- God. You can't have a relationship with someone you never see, never talk to, right? Its the same with Jesus. It may seem weird, but He's just as present in the Tabernacle of the Church as the person sitting next to you in the pew. And He's going to respond when you talk to Him just like they would if you said hello. He wants to know about your life; He wants to be a part of it. So tell Him, talk to Him about your day, what went well and what didn't, what friend upset you, what family matters are troubling you. And then listen. Because He will answer, maybe not in the way you expect, but He will answer.

Knowing that I've got the One who loves me more than anyone with me throughout the day means the world to me. And having a relationship with Him has changed me. When I think about the mercy that He has shown me, the fact that I shouldn't be loved as much as I am, I realize that in turn I need to show mercy to others. The understanding He shows me when I make a bad decision or act in a way that is not positive, makes me realize that I need to show that to others. Its just like the Our Father says: "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." What a tricky clause that is- we're actually asking God to forgive us using the same measure that we use to forgive others, to give us the mercy we give others. And forgiveness doesn't mean accepting the sin, it means accepting the person.

So yea, I think that this is going to be a Lent of living into my identy as Beloved. I'm really looking forward to getting to spend more and more time with the Savior I love and getting to know Him better.

Job

The book of Job is one of my favorite books of the Bible, mostly because I can empathize with Job in his sufferings. As a result of illness I've gone through many periods when I've felt like Job and railed against God, not understanding why, being angry about what I'd lost or what I couldn't do. But more than that, the value of the book of Job in my life, the lesson and the message that has always stuck with me, is encompassed in job 1:21 "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!" Strange words from a man whose life has been stricken with every kind of trial known to man, but oh how true! I've been reading through Job during my holy hours lately, and realizing how much respect I have for him and the wisdom and faith it takes to utter those words and really truly mean them, which Job does.

One of the things that Job struggles with is not understanding why all this has befallen him. He knows that he hasn't sinned, that his pain is not a result of his own actions, and is steadfast in that claim. He wants God to explain Himself and tell him why. Which is a feeling that I can understand very well. But in reading Job, I've come to the realization that I really don't need to know why I'm sick. I mean, look at Job. The witness of his sufferings and his redemption have stood for centuries, for millenia, and the glory that his story has given God is beyond anything he could have imagined. When I think about that, I can only wonder what purpose He has in store for my small share of pain. And I know He has one. The fruits this illness has born already, whether through offering it up in prayer, or the clearer priorities it has given me, the patience, the gratitude for the small things, have been worth it. And that's only the things that I know about. Who knows what the All Powerful has been doing that is beyond my understanding.

And in the end, Job's story has a very happy ending. Job is restored to his former prosperity of course, but more than that he is made an intercessor for his friends, and the Lord hears his prayers because they are born out of his suffering. Its because of and through that suffering that Job becomes an intercessor for those around him, which is a very special gift and a remarkable blesisng.

So I will always choose to say Blessed be the Name of the Lord because I know that God is taking care of me, has bigger plans for me than I do for myself, just as He did for Job. This illness is not something that I can control or change, so my worrying about what I cannot do, or what others may think is quite simply a waste of time. But praising God, well, that is never a waste of time.

St. Andrew

This afternoon some of us missionaries traveled to St. Helena's Church in Clayton for mass where Fr. Foley, a visiting priest gave one of the best homilies I've heard in a long time. The topic he chose to talk about was St. Andrew, which at first seemed strange- the first reading was about the call of Samuel and the Gospel about the call of the first disciples. St. Andrew is mentioned in but one line, so I wasn't expecting him to be the center of the homily. Which was exactly the point.

Father talked about how St. Andrew was the first of Jesus' disciples, the first to react to the call, and that it was through him that St. Peter was brought to Jesus. But though the first, Andrew was not included in the inner circle of the apostles- Peter, James, and John. He's only mentioned 12 times in the New Testament, and nine of those times he's only referred to as one of the 12. Andrew was an ordinary man who answered the call God placed on his heart, he wasn't a great man or a genius or an orator, just a man who did was he was called to do, no more, no less. And that, Father said, was what made Andrew a saint. The three times that we read about St. Andrew's actions in the New Testament he is bringing someone to Jesus. How profound.

The point of Father's homily was that we don't need to be anyone other than who we are to do God's work. St. Andrew was content to be an ordinary man, he didn't seek greatness, and we have no record of him being upset or jealous, of being unsatisfied with his place. He did the work that he was called to and he did it well- he brought people to the Lord.

As I'm still trying to figure out my place here at Covecrest and my place in the world, what I'm doing now and what I will be doing next, the example of Saint Andrew is what I need to remember to simply be me and to simply be God's. I don't need anything more.

The Feast of the Epiphany

Ok so I know I'm a little late, as its now two days after the feast day. But late or no I wanted to share this poem with you about the day. Its called the Journey of the Magi by T.S. Eliot, and its one of the very few poems that I actually like. I read it in high school, and it has stuck with me since then, especially the final stanza. Simple, but complex at the same time, Eliot points out to us during the Christmas season that the Incarnation and the Cruxificion are tied together.

A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter.
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,
Lying down in the melting snow.
There were times when we regretted
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
And running away, and wanting their liquor and women,
And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters,
And the cities dirty and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty and charging high prices:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel all night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.

Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley,
Wet, below the snow line, smelling of vegetation;
With a running stream and a water mill beating the darkness,
And three trees on the low sky,
And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow.
Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel,
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,
And feet kicking the empty wineskins.
But there was no information, and so we continued
And arrived at evening, not a moment too soon
Finding the place; it was (you may say) satisfactory.

All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.