This is What it Feels Like to be Led

There's a song I stumbled across a month or two ago called "What it Feels Like" by FFH. Here are the lyrics:

So this is what if feels like to walk the wilderness
and this is what if feels like to come undone
So this is what if feels like to loose my confidence
unsure of anything or anyone
So this is what if feels like to walk the desert sand
and this is what if feels like to hear my name
and to be scared to death cause I'm all alone
but feel love and peace just the same
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to have it fall apart
to be totally unglued
and find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me, I get all of you
If this is what if feels like to be on shaky ground
Careful of every step I take
Realizing as I stop to look around
I look around and see everything a different way
and this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
and this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to just walk away
from everything I thought kept me safe
to depend just on you for every meal
and find it's better this way
oh it's better this way
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
like i do right now

I love this song because it speaks to the paradox I've been living these past months, well really, these past years, on the one hand feeling completely out of control and on the other, feeling so secure in the Lord. Being led is tough, it sound easy at first, but think about it for a minute. When you're being led somewhere, you aren't in control. You don't necessarily even know where it is you're going or how you're going to get there if you happen to be lucky enough to know the end goal of the road. For me, these past months have been like walking around in a pitch black room. But at the same time, I've felt such security in knowing that I am letting the Lord lead me, in His calling. Its a tricky thing, being led. But there's no where else I'd rather be than here, even if I don't know where here is.

Where I'm at

Life has been a struggle these days. I've never been good at balancing things, and I'm terrible at discipline (if you want to know my new year's resolutions, those are them). So I've been feeling the truth of the passage from Night Prayer, "your opponent the devil is prowling like a lion for someone to devour. Resist him, solid in your faith," and haven't been doing a great job of resisting.

For some reason, Thomas Merton's book The Seven Storey Mountain called out to me this afternoon from the bookshelf. It was one I had read years ago in college, and as I was praying for a friend at the time, I thought there was some kernel of truth in it meant for her. But what I found was (surprise) for me. I opened up to the part of the book where Merton has just decided that if he can't join an order he's going to live life in the world as closely to that as a monk as he can. When I read what he was going through at that moment, the words rang true. Our lives are very different in the day-to-day sense, but the sentiment he expresses is very much what I've been feeling lately- the uncertainty, the solitude, all of it, the fear that underlies the words, all of it. And as his story does in fact end well, it gives me hope that perhaps I'll actually make it. So here's what he says:

It was a difficult and uncertain business, and I was starting again to make a long and arduious climb, alone, and from what seemed to be a great depth.
If I had ever thought I had become immune from passion, and that I did not have to fight for freedom, there was no chance of that illusion any more. It seemed that every step I took carried me painfully forward under a burden of desires that almost crushed me with the monotomy of their threat, the intimate, searching familiarity of their ever-present disgust.
I did not have any lofty theories about the vocation of a lay-contemplative. In fact, I no longer dignified what I was trying to do by the name of a vocation. All I knew was that I wanted grace, and that I needed prayer, and that I was helpless without God, and that I wnated to everything that people did to keep close to Him.
It was no longer possible to consider myself, abstractly, as being in a certain "state of life" which had special technical relations to other "states of life." All that occupied me now was the immediate practical problem of getting up my hill with this terrific burden I had on my shoulders, step by step, begging God to drag me along and get me away from my enemies and from those who were trying to destroy me.

Psalm 62

It's amazing to me how scripture can speak right to the heart. Time and again the Lord shows me His Word, opens to me His heart and His will through scripture; and time and again I am amazed at how a few verses can set my mind and heart at ease in an instant.

This afternoon my prayers were all over the place, both head and heart were racing with doubts, fears, and questions. What am I doing here? Am I loving enough? Am I doing too much?Not enough? And the more I tried to calm the unrest I was feeling, the more the thoughts would plague me. What if these thoughts aren't going away because I'm supposed to be feeling uneasy because I'm really doing something wrong?

It's my habit to pray evening prayer as I sit in the car waiting for the kids to get out of school. I have plenty of time then and there are no distractions. Now I know technically 2:30 isn't quite evening, but it's the last quiet time I get before 10pm so I think the Lord will forgive me for fudging with the times.

So anyways, sure enough, the first lines of the first psalm were just what I needed to heart to remind me that the Lord alone brings peace to my soul:

In God alone is my soul at rest;
my help comes from Him.
He alone is my rock, my stronghold,

my fortress: I stand firm

I said that first stanza of the psalm hesitantly, knowing in my head that the words had power but still caught in the churning emotions. But God, in His infinite wisdom and goodness, saw fit to repeat those words. I was once told by a very wise priest that in the midst of trial and temptation you should speak Scripture out loud because the Truth of the Word of God will combat the lies Satan is telling you. And by the time I reached the end of Psalm 62, the million questions that had been running through my head had ceased, and I could rejoice in the Lord's presence, which was what the next psalm and the canticle were about. I love the way God works!

I'd like to close this post with one of the psalm prayers that put into words the prayer of my heart.

Lord God, you reward each one according to his works. Hear us as we pour out our hearts to you, seeking your grace and secure protection. We look to you for our stable hope in a constantly changing world.

Amen.

Life in the Suburbs

So its been a few months, and here's what I've learned so far about life in the burbs: they are a dangerous place to live. I don't mean dangerous as in you might experience a home invasion by a strung-out meth addict (the kids' have an uncle who regularly reminds me that this is a distinct possibility and is very disappointed when I don't produce an emergency plan for that situation), but eternally dangerous.

There is nothing objectively bad about the suburbs with its comforts and conveniences- don't get me wrong, I love my big bathroom and spacious shower (its a big change from the double-wide), but its a slippery slope. In the midst of so many blessings it can be harder to remember who it is who gave them. I've never worried about money or finances until now, which is ridiculous because I have more than I need. But being surounded by people with portfolios (and not the art kind thank you very much) and IRAs, I find myself feeling the need to save more "just in case." Savings won't bring me security, just a false sense of it that can be very dangerous. Comforts and conveniences can make us forget to turn to God in our need; they can make us lazy and complacent if we aren't vigilant.

At the end of the day though, it like the psalmist says, "He has put into my heart a greater joy than they have from abundance of corn and new wine." I think I'll be okay here in the burbs, as long as I keep my eyes on the Giver and not the gifts.

Last Week

So here we are, the last week at Covecrest, my last week as a Life Teen missionary. I can't believe its already here! It's strange how it seems like just yesterday we arrived and at the same time like I've been living this life my whole life. I have learned so much this year, about myself, about the Lord, about other people, about how to love. So thank you to all the people who have made this year possible for me- my benefactors, prayer partners, family, and friends who have supported me and joined me in this mission. I couldn't have done it without you!

In a few short days I leave this place, with my heart heavy but ready for what the Lord is calling me to next. I am excited to see what He is going to do in this next stage of my life, and He's already begun putting the pieces together. I'm going to continue to pursue the vision He has put on my heart for a childcare center that serves families living at poverty levels here in Atlanta, and I feel secure in the fact that its His vision, His banner, and that He will accomplish it. As that takes shape, I will be living with and working for a wonderful family in the Atlanta area, helping with the kids as the mom fights cancer. I met with them yesterday, and the Lord has given me great peace in knowing that I am meant to be with them. One of the blessings that I am taking with me from Covecrest is a missionary heart, which means that my life is a life of love and service for the Lord, not a segmented existence of job, home, social life, religion. So I will leave this place and continue to live the life of a missionary, a life of prayer and service, of hope and faith, wherever He leads me. The pieces are falling into place, or at least I see more of the pieces, even if I don't know how they'll fit together yet.

Stay Tuned . . .

Prayer Staff

This summer my "job" consists in large part of heading up our prayer staff, a group of 6 summer staffers who aren't assigned to a particular parish that week. Instead, they make holy hours and offer up prayers for the campers. They bless the rooms and buildings before each week starts, and are also part of prayer teams that meet throughout the week, offering prayer or counsel for any teen/adult in need.

There has been amazing fruit that has come from having a set of people solely devoted to prayer. What I have noticed most has been the changes that occur in the prayer staff themselves. I have loved watching their enthusiasm, the way they throw themselves into it with everything they have. Each week, I encourage the summer staffers to take ownership of prayer staff, adding to it whatever they'd like. And I have been blown away. Each week they have added something different, unique to the group of people on the staff. One week they fasted from dessert and prayed a rosary together. Another week they made sure to pray their little crown for the camp coordinator together. Its been beautiful to watch these men and women grow in their faith as they spend time ministering and being ministered to. I am so blessed!!!!

Covecrest vs the Real World

So as we begin summer here at Covecrest, I've been getting a lot of questions from people about what I'm going to do next, how I'm going to survive in the "real world", what I'm going to do when I grow up (with the implication that that should happen now). I've had friends express worry that I'm not capable of dealing with "real life" when I'm not here. And my answer to them has been that this is real life. The life I have been living for the past nine months has been more real in many ways than the life I lived for 23 years. And I have been confronting things, dealing with my own brokenness, learning how to interact with others, live in community, and live the Gospel. And its hard. Its difficult; it tries my patience; it frustrates me; it hurts. But it is also amazingly free, and joyful, hopeful, and beautiful. And I'm not going back. Whether I'm technically a missionary or not, I'm going to live the missionary lifestyle for the rest of my life. I want more than the world offers.

And so, here's what I'm going to do when I leave Covecrest: I'm going to live a prudent life, a supernaturally prudent life. I'm going to seek the kingdom of God, and believe me, no wait- believe Jesus, He's the one who said it-, everything else will fall into place. That's not to say my life will always be easy, that's not to say that I won't have difficulties or problems. I'm not looking at the world through rose colored glasses, but I am looking at it through the promise of the Gospel. And I am going to follow what He's calling me to do, whether I understand it or not, whether it makes sense or not. I don't know for sure where my path will lead me, but I know that God does, and so as long as I follow Him, its all going to be okay.

I'm not naive, and I'm not overlooking the very real concerns of life- rent, insurance, bills, etc., etc. But, my God is a BIG God. He is mighty and capable, and loves me. And I'm going to focus on Him. He knows what I need, what my heart desires, even more than I do sometimes, most times even. What else do I need to know? Who else am I going to trust?